Oh My (Poetry)

Oh my its all I can say, I met you and from the first you stole my breath
I did not see you for what you were worth, but I took heed of what was before me eyes
You gave me honesty in abundance, because its who you were
You gave my body adoration , because it was what I needed
You fed my mind not with just compliments but intelligence and for that I say Oh my
I look at you and see what I forgot I wanted
You remind me that its their maybe just hard to find
You showed me that there is a complimentary force that exist for me
You make me say Oh my

Why do name tags say Hello my name is ……, I mean if someone want to know my name just ask and well if your not inclined to ask then should you really no my name. Also we all have a voice in our head in our hearts whatever a voice that helps tell you right from wrong, my question is how many of these voices do you actually have and what sex are they, I mean do you give the voices in your head identities. Currently I am at work trying to find something to do, I have nothing to do and while there are more efficient uses of my time I can’t leave work without losing pay. But what if I am advanced and I have already done my 8 hours of work today, I do the same job in 5 hours in what it use to take one man 5 days and I get more done on the job than he ever did. He set the bar low I perform and exceed standards and still have lots of down time. So does anybody have any idea of what I can do with the down time? I feel like life should come with a hand book I mean really, sitting here day after day I truly understand why people go crazy, this is plum insane and I cannot in good sanity (which is questionable) cannot knowingly encourage anyone to seek a job in government. All government when you get down to it has turned out to be pretty inefficient, don’t get me wrong I love police and fireman when something go wrong but do we constantly need to add to their ranks year after year, when crime has not increased, when there main focus is providing a continuing revenue stream for a cracked judicial system. I mean really I want my policeman solving murders not bothering me about vehicle renewal. Any whom back to government workers, they the government, basically force you into a know win situation. I mean it’s not like you can negotiate the terms of your employment and turning down a job in this economy is ludicrous. Also there is this manager that constantly walks by my area and he mentioned that I might want to change my screen or stop being on facebook. Really, I understand what he’s saying but A why are you always looking at my computer screen, my screen is not in your direct line of vision and if your monitoring my computer time shouldn’t you monitor everyone else’s who is actually in your department, which your not. Hey maybe you could stop stomping around and go do your job, hummmmmm. Again all my 40 hour a week work gets done and I do it as soon as I hit my desk so what if in my spare time I chose to become enlightened on the computer. I mean you could let me go home and get my cleaning done or better yet you could let me work from home and then you would never have to see me but no this makes to much sense. Oh why can I do my job so fast, well because for one I have a computer and I no how to use it efficiently, I know how to type, therefore modern technology has taken the previous 8 hour a day job and reduced it to half the time if the person is efficient and sense working out of my job description has done nothing but lead to disastrous circumstances I don’t help others anymore at work. Hummmmmmmmm, Another day.

Disclaimer: If you don't like what I post and find that this is some freaky sort of violation of rights let me know I'm old enough to discuss your concerns with you. Also this post is not for everybody so if you read it and don't like it then this post was not meant for you to read and you should have stopped immediately reading and not went any further. I am not legally responsible for any opinions expressed by the author cause I don't want to be.

Enuff

I call and out and shout and speak as loud as the wind in the twister
But its not enough for you.
I write you and tell you all that is on my mind and in my soul
But its not enough for you.
I dance and bend my body to the rhythm, to the beat, I even stand on my toes
But its not enough for you.
My soul decides to sing a song to stroke your ego
But its not enough for you
My soul decides to face you head on and look into your eyes
But its not enough for you
My soul decides its had enough of showing off for you my soul is weary foolin around with you my soul gives up trying to be enough for you.
SRJ

DEPRESSED

I was given a brain, a brain to control my thoughts, feelings, and emotions. If my thoughts, feelings, and emotions run rampant does that mean that my brain controls are off? People, random whack ass people, suggest that your state of mind can be controlled by flipping on some switch in the morning that says be happy. Be happy you’re not sick, be happy you’re not poor, be happy you’re not childless, and be happy because somebody has it so much worse than you. I say to myself really, I’m not allowed to be unhappy because somewhere in the world someone is suffering at a level that I may or may not comprehend and this is supposed to make me happy. I say no way, no how, not buying it, what I am going to say is that they to have the right to say hey this sucks. Now you may be wondering why I’m going on this little self pity party rage, but its simple I’m unhappy and if I could fix it lord knows I would fix it but it all just seems so inevitably impossible. I mean really first we have the dead end job that is not moving backwards nor forward cause the economy is at a stand still. Okay yes I can apply for jobs but I have no clue what to apply for or where to go, the only clear thing is that I am unhappy in my current circumstances. I want to lose weight, but I have the self control of a fish out of water lying on the edge of a lake. If I can get to the food I’m going to eat the food, especially if it’s in my control. So who can really feel sorry for a fat girl wanting to lose all the while stuffing a Twinkie in her mouth, the answer not a damn person and that is my problem. The weight problem consumes most of my waking time unless of course I’m distracted by being broke. The perfect segway into the next disastrous area of my yet unfulfilled 31 year old life. I have no money, I live paycheck to paycheck, I have no school loans and a law degree that I can’t do shit with. I was bamboozled, lied to, run amuck, education was a piss poor investment of time and resources that I did not appreciate or use to my full advantage. Oh but I did finish my education that is to be commended I just can’t seem to do shit with it. Oh they say work at a firm, what firm wants me? I’m good and can do the work but it doesn’t mean they want a woman my age without any specifically tailored experience. Oh why don’t I just start my own practice, um first off, almost all of new businesses fail, second I have no desire to, third I need family insurance, and fourth I need clients, and fifthlet’s just say that idea is more than a notion. I guess by this point your probably starting to pick up on a theme, which is I make excuses. Believe me I get tired of hearing my own excuses I have so many of them and they suck but that doesn’t make them any less true and or believable, there real and rationalized and depressing. Frankly I must stop writing as I thought this might make feel better but it has not, nor has praying, nor has meditating (not that I gave this a fair shot), but each of these activities have succeeded in only making me feel worse.
I’m out.

Bad Hair Week for Sure

When you get older hair grows, it grows everywhere. I mean I've always had the occasional hair pop up were it should not be and I use to think oh thats gross. But then I had a cousin who was older and more experience tell me he had a girlfriend and she had the occasional hair here and there, so then I thought oh not so gross. Now though I am older and more experienced and I am here to confrim that there is absolutely nothing cute about hair growing out of womans chest. Yes, I hate to admit it, I had a hair that grew out of my chest and all I can say "how did it get that long and I didn't notice? Yikes! Can I get laser hair removal can I call the determotologist. How can I get naked in front of man again and not feel self concious about invisible hairs that appear out of nowhere that want to dangle down like Rapunzel. Clearly I am being melodramatic, but honestly its just not right. Oh well I immediately retrieved the tweezers and took out the offending culprit, but now I must stay ever vigilant about lone hairs on the loose.

In additiona to the sprouting hair fiasco there is also the issue with my streaks. Yes I am cheap I'll be the first to admit it. Since high school I have been putting in my highlights. Yes, I love blond streaks and my name is Shamieka and I rock a big o ghetto bootie. Aw but for now lets leave the cliche's aside. So I diligently start to do my hair and the hook breaks and I can nolonger pull hair through the cap. I look at my head and looks okay to me, actually I feel like I will be disappointed because I have not put in as many streaks as I normally would, but whatever I go ahead and color it. Oh my gosh, I remove the cap and look at my head and my streaks are completely uneven. I mean one side has way more color than the other side and I have to go see my family in 2 days. All I can say is wow. I went out to see a friend a male and the first thing he points out is my uneven streaks and he mentions they look like I have grey hair. Are you kidding me. Clearly Do It Yourself streaks are a big fat NO if your not going to do them right. So I will be trying to fix this fiasco, but who knows when, I'm going out tomorrow.

Oh will that was my last hair issue I do have a concern of what will I do when offending hairs start to turn gray. The thought of gray leg hair, armpit hair, and any other hair seems very daunting to me. For now all I can say is that I will be vigilant for all my personal hair offenders and I do believe I must find me an epilady to save the day.

Freedom To Vote

I heard on the news this morning that in Ohio they are making it mandatory that you sign a statement saying you believe in the whatever parties missions and goals before you can change your political party affiliation. http://www.sos.state.oh.us/SOS/Upload/elections/directives/2010/Dir2010-44.pdf (link to the directive if you are interested.)

Hold on just one minute, now it makes sense but the problem is that I should not have to do it. If I want to vote to switch my vote to a particular party just because I like their colors it should be my choice my right my freedom. But wait it gets better than this, did you know that there is know constitutional right to vote. The constitution only speaks to voting in the sense of what conditions cannot be used in determining whether or not you can vote, so inadvertently there is assumed a right to vote.

That being said what if I do not agree with the parties affiliations but I still like their candidate the best, should I not be allowed to vote for him. The last I checked I did not need a sound reason or permission of someone I don't know to vote so this law drives me insane. Just to make sure that I was not losing my mind I called the Secretary of States office for clarification. After talking to the elections official I was even more disenchanted with the state of elections laws and procedures. The law to sign this political party affiliation has been on the books since 1995 (Ohio Code 35-13.19). Again I'm appalled because I don't even know if I've signed such a statement. I've been exercising my right to vote since 1997 when I turned 18 and I really don't even know what it is I may have said I believe in. This is a horrific statement if ever there was one under this current state of affairs. At this point we should all know what we believe in and where we stand. This law in some sense seems to make it wrong to believe in people. When I vote I don't vote parties and affiliations I vote for people and this law clearly does not let my exercise my right to vote in the manner in which I want. Essentially this law is telling me how to vote because it limits my options of potential candidates. I honestly have never understood why a person could not just choose between all the candidates in the market. In a world as diverse as ours are 2 majority parties really going to serve the needs of all the people. Clearly in the grand scheme of thing this law is no big deal and is only enforced at the whim of poll workers and the administration depending on their mood. Really the only reason the issue is even being forced now in Ohio at this point is because the Supreme Court recently ruled that Ohio's procedure for creating new political parties in the state is unconstitutional, therefore this means any Tom, Dick, and Harry who has chosen to start a political party can and now the Secretary of State is forced to put them on the ballot. Now this change of events makes me extremely happy but that is another day and another time.

Magic Out.

Circle of Boyfriends

Its funny but seems it has come full circle. Everybody who was once in my past as an ex has seemed to become an ex again and it seems for mostly the same reasons. So does that make me the what if chic. Like what if we had gotten married, what if we had made it work, what if the world were perfect. In many ways I'm still the same girl that they knew when we dated and many ways I'm not. Like I still love all your attention, but unlike before I'm grown as hell and I don't need to talk to your butt on the phone for hours at a time. There is something supremely wrong with a man who wants to spend hours on the phone once your in a relationship. If he got time to be on the phone all day he is not on his grind like he should be and a man should always be on his grind. Furthermore, I have a kid and job, and responsibilities, I don't have time to be on the phone all night getting tired. Come to my house and help me with some things and will talk over dinner. I want to see you I don't want no 4 hour convo. (Speak sister) Okay I shall continue in true Magical fashion, I use to love a good lookin cut up light skin brother. I even dated shall we say the non-ethnics (to keep me offensiveness down), in my world it was all good. Well now I'm a big girl and like my men to still be fine but I high a 99% perference for black men. I love all ranges of the choclate rainbow. I love my blue black brother and my light brights and my yellow, browns, and reds. I love me some brothers, now if only I could get them to love me back. So basically as you can tell I am a more evolved diva with a definite agenda. I don't love to just love anymore, its got to be worth the love. Really if your bringing nothing to the table stay at home and jack off don't come over here getting my happy hopes up. No good stick if you don't have a good j-o-b and some credit to match. I can deal with no credit cause we can build that, but no creditp; can we say mister please! So needless to say all you ex's who keep feeling the need to see if I was the one, don't come to me cause you heard of my lastest credentials now you want to juice me. Walk on by say hi but stay in my background cause you messing up my picture.

You ever been the person you didn’t want to be. I am the person I said I was going to be, I just forgot that I needed to ask for more when I became this person. I always liked my smart ass way, my smart mind, my smart mouth, the way I dressed, the way people reacted to me, for real I was always pretty okay with me. For years though I would go through horrible depressions that people never took seriously at least not the people close to me, but that was okay to, because somewhere in the mix I made sure not to many got close to me. Honestly, I can say that you can see someone everday and even live with them and not be close to them. That is the way it is with my family, I have the feeling that we want to be close and we love each other with a fierceness, but being close and real emotional is not are way. Having real conversations is not our way. We will surface talk but nobody wants to dig deeper because we love each other and when you love each other it seems that you don’t want to hurt the other persons feelings. It seems to me that me, my mom, and my brother have commitment issues. Not sure if its that we can’t commit or aren’t given the opportunity to commit. At this point I will only address my issues. I have not had a serious relationship in at least 7 years. Not since I left Kentucky. I think the main reason is because I moved to a state that has no appreciation for the brown beauty of my skin. Believe when I tell you this is a situation that makes me want to cry. It was a major motivating force in moving my son away from that place, because even though he may not marry a black woman (which would be a sad thing if he didn’t) he will at least not disreguard them as an obvious choice as most youngsters in West Virginia do. Back to me though, I’m now here but what I’ve found out is that I can’t go out , I can’t afford sitters, I don’t like going out alone, the men aren’t really out there anyway. And who decided that when you hit 30 wine and drinking with your girls is the activity of choice. Can we just say hell naw, that mess is fat and depressing and it is not an activity I want to continue. I do not want to drink every Saturday talking about what I should be doing, why am I not out doing it. Hum I will just have to find a way because I do have a will. I guess my question at this point is how do I meet available, good looking, goal oriented men. I am so not the networker I should be. Oh well happy days random thoughts is what I guess I’m having today. Smooches

Today feels like a good day so that probably makes it a good day. I’m guessing the goodness in today is really going to be about the perspective I attach to the situation. Let me give you a quick rundown of today as it stands so far. Woke up headed in the wrong direction to go get Starbucks (1) then retraced my steps and passed home and was headed to son’s school when son realized that he had forgotten his much needed book-bag which required going back to the house (2) got to work and walked a chilly block and half to get into the building and realized I forgot my lunch and was not going to brave the cold to go back and get it (3) read my emails and realized that my travel re-imbursement was kicked out and sent back to me (4). Now it is only 1:30 and there is still allot left to the day so to see the manner in which my day is going could be alarming and less I forget to mention I went to start my car last night at 7:00pm to make a trip to the store and my batter was dead (0). Now let me let you know how each of these moments was an opportunity to say today is going to be a bad day but truly its not. I chose to go to Starbucks and it made me happy(1) this morning and even though I looked up the calories and found out that the drink I drink has 500 calories, I choose this morning to get my but up and work-out so the calorie intake was nominal. (2) I turned around and got my son’s book bag before we had gotten to far past the house so I tried to use it as teaching moment for him in that he needed to do a better job of looking for his things. (3) Because everything is computerized it took only a few seconds to correct my travel re-imbursement. (0) I had AAA so I was able to get my battery recharged and a new one put in so that I wouldn’t have any problems this morning. Needless to say even when my day appears to be suspect God is at work making everything all right, maybe not in the manner that I expected but alright nonetheless. Everybody has problems and I am no exception but I’m trying to have a different perspective on the things coming my way

2010

2009 was an amazing year for me I got everything I ever wanted. I didn't get everything I ever wanted in 2009 but I got it all by 2009 which is pretty awesome. But with having everything completed that ever thought I wanted more doors were opened for things that I now need to do or want to do. So I think the best way to start of my blog is by saying "Thank you God and please continue to be with me as I journey through life." I have decided to make a list of things to do in order to keep me focused on my goals. So please feel free to add comments or add to my list as I am always in need of suggestions and love to do new things.

1. Lose weight: This is heavy, this may actually be the one thing that I didn't get accomplished by 2009. Which means I have the majority of my time to focus on getting a grip on these hips. I plan to buy a treadmill and some hand weights today in an effort to make this happen. Also I want to cut off bread, rice, and noodles. These are my first courses of action. If I don't see drastic changes by May, liposuction will be on its way.
2. Get married. I claim that I will fall deeply in love (very hard for me to do) and that I will commit one hundred percent to my relationship by focusing our relationship on God and not on the trivial aspects that make relationships run amuck.
3. I will be my sons parent, friend, playmate, educator, inspiration, role model, and all that these jobs entail in a positive awe inspiring way. I will be more patient and I will stop cussing around him and others. Cussing is okay in moderation but I don't want to set that example for him, I want to teach him to stretch his mind in a new and phenomenal way. I want to show him healthy habits for living, thinking, and being.
4. I will be nicer on the outside; I am plenty nice on the inside, I will move mountains for people but I tend to do it with a chip on my shoulder and a complaint in my mouth. If I really have issues with offering help I will pray and make the decision that is best, but if I decide to help I will do it with a willing heart.
5. I will be a better friend. I will stay in contact with people more. Having kids and being a single parent is no reason to not keep in touch. With the computer, phone, and the ability to write letters. So I'm just gonna stop being lazy.
6. I'm gonna commit to finishing my book this year. It may not be the book of my dreams but it is a goal and with one comes many more, but it will completing that first foundational step that will be so inspirational.
7. I will order my mind and my thoughts and commit to decisions. Indecisiveness has gotten me nothing but more indecisiveness. If I have to make a decision I will make and live with it. If a decision is not necessary then I will let it go and let God.
8. Last thing I'm going to do is P.U.S.H. I'm gonna continuously pray until something happens.

So that is a pretty developed list, and I am ready to get started on it.

Love ya later Magic