You ever been the person you didn’t want to be. I am the person I said I was going to be, I just forgot that I needed to ask for more when I became this person. I always liked my smart ass way, my smart mind, my smart mouth, the way I dressed, the way people reacted to me, for real I was always pretty okay with me. For years though I would go through horrible depressions that people never took seriously at least not the people close to me, but that was okay to, because somewhere in the mix I made sure not to many got close to me. Honestly, I can say that you can see someone everday and even live with them and not be close to them. That is the way it is with my family, I have the feeling that we want to be close and we love each other with a fierceness, but being close and real emotional is not are way. Having real conversations is not our way. We will surface talk but nobody wants to dig deeper because we love each other and when you love each other it seems that you don’t want to hurt the other persons feelings. It seems to me that me, my mom, and my brother have commitment issues. Not sure if its that we can’t commit or aren’t given the opportunity to commit. At this point I will only address my issues. I have not had a serious relationship in at least 7 years. Not since I left Kentucky. I think the main reason is because I moved to a state that has no appreciation for the brown beauty of my skin. Believe when I tell you this is a situation that makes me want to cry. It was a major motivating force in moving my son away from that place, because even though he may not marry a black woman (which would be a sad thing if he didn’t) he will at least not disreguard them as an obvious choice as most youngsters in West Virginia do. Back to me though, I’m now here but what I’ve found out is that I can’t go out , I can’t afford sitters, I don’t like going out alone, the men aren’t really out there anyway. And who decided that when you hit 30 wine and drinking with your girls is the activity of choice. Can we just say hell naw, that mess is fat and depressing and it is not an activity I want to continue. I do not want to drink every Saturday talking about what I should be doing, why am I not out doing it. Hum I will just have to find a way because I do have a will. I guess my question at this point is how do I meet available, good looking, goal oriented men. I am so not the networker I should be. Oh well happy days random thoughts is what I guess I’m having today. Smooches