DEPRESSED

I was given a brain, a brain to control my thoughts, feelings, and emotions. If my thoughts, feelings, and emotions run rampant does that mean that my brain controls are off? People, random whack ass people, suggest that your state of mind can be controlled by flipping on some switch in the morning that says be happy. Be happy you’re not sick, be happy you’re not poor, be happy you’re not childless, and be happy because somebody has it so much worse than you. I say to myself really, I’m not allowed to be unhappy because somewhere in the world someone is suffering at a level that I may or may not comprehend and this is supposed to make me happy. I say no way, no how, not buying it, what I am going to say is that they to have the right to say hey this sucks. Now you may be wondering why I’m going on this little self pity party rage, but its simple I’m unhappy and if I could fix it lord knows I would fix it but it all just seems so inevitably impossible. I mean really first we have the dead end job that is not moving backwards nor forward cause the economy is at a stand still. Okay yes I can apply for jobs but I have no clue what to apply for or where to go, the only clear thing is that I am unhappy in my current circumstances. I want to lose weight, but I have the self control of a fish out of water lying on the edge of a lake. If I can get to the food I’m going to eat the food, especially if it’s in my control. So who can really feel sorry for a fat girl wanting to lose all the while stuffing a Twinkie in her mouth, the answer not a damn person and that is my problem. The weight problem consumes most of my waking time unless of course I’m distracted by being broke. The perfect segway into the next disastrous area of my yet unfulfilled 31 year old life. I have no money, I live paycheck to paycheck, I have no school loans and a law degree that I can’t do shit with. I was bamboozled, lied to, run amuck, education was a piss poor investment of time and resources that I did not appreciate or use to my full advantage. Oh but I did finish my education that is to be commended I just can’t seem to do shit with it. Oh they say work at a firm, what firm wants me? I’m good and can do the work but it doesn’t mean they want a woman my age without any specifically tailored experience. Oh why don’t I just start my own practice, um first off, almost all of new businesses fail, second I have no desire to, third I need family insurance, and fourth I need clients, and fifthlet’s just say that idea is more than a notion. I guess by this point your probably starting to pick up on a theme, which is I make excuses. Believe me I get tired of hearing my own excuses I have so many of them and they suck but that doesn’t make them any less true and or believable, there real and rationalized and depressing. Frankly I must stop writing as I thought this might make feel better but it has not, nor has praying, nor has meditating (not that I gave this a fair shot), but each of these activities have succeeded in only making me feel worse.
I’m out.