Your Girl is Insecure and Yeah I'm smiling

 

 

 



      Okay so I have no room to dish on anyone's insecurities, I have so many self-precieved flaws that I should be a case steady.  But today I was told I made a skinny bitch (somewhat pretty chic) feel insecure. I cannot tell a lie I'm smiling, I'm here to tell you that I had a Cheshire cat grin spread across my face like the Mississippi River.  So now I'm questioning myself wondering why it made me feel good that I made this girl feel this way.  And all I can come up with is that it somehow validates me and makes me feel beautiful even though I feel like a fat cow.  I'm guessing this is why women constantly tear down other women.  I mean it's hard to feel good for your sister-girl when you feel like shit your dam self.  So yeah, while I didn't mean to make home girl feel bad, I don't mind one bit.  Hey I'm working on self-improvement don't judge me.

Dumped

         He walked towards me, and he wasn't much to look at, and well he wasn't much to talk to, but he was good to me. "Hey Now" that was how he always greeted me.  Uh the minute those words came out of his mouth I cringed on the inside.  I really wanted to make this work I mean he took care of me and my daughter and well he never made me do anything I didn't want.  But the sex was bad and his looks weren't anything to write home about; even to think about these things made me feel so shallow, but it had been so long since my body had felt the satisfaction of a man that it was attracted to.  It had been so long since someone had bent me over my bed and pulled my hair from behind while the pushed themselves so deep inside me that it made my knees weak.  Yes it had been to long, so even though Max was a good man he so wasn't the right man.  I tried and I waited to see if he would grow on me but my feelings never changed.  So after one year and what I'm sure was right at the alley of engagement for him, I was here to tell him that it was over.
 "Hey how are you doing"
"I'm good beautiful, just happy I can spend the day with you"
I smile and feel a little sad inside, I don't know if this will break his heart, but either way I know he will act as if he is okay and honestly I hope he does because that will only make this easier on me.  See what I mean when it comes to him I can only think selfish thoughts, but please don't judge me to harshly because Lord knows I care about him, I just think he deserves someone who can appreciate the man that he is.
" I ordered you a drink, rum and coke no ice"
"Thanks are we eating today or did you just want to do drinks"
"We need to stop seeing each other"
"Huh?"
"I just think you deserve someone who is going to give you a future, and well I'm not that person, I don't feel in love with you and do think I will anytime soon.  I do feel extreme like, as a  friend but I think that's all I have to give"
"Is there someone else"
"This is not about anyone else this is about what is best for me what is best for you"
     Good afternoon my name is Melinda can I take  your order or do you need a few minutes. I was getting ready to tell Melinda to walk away but Max proceeds to order himself a steak and me Salmon Fettuccini.  I don't stop him, but clearly this is not going to be the quick Dump em and Dash that I was hoping for.
"Max are we cool?"
"Yep LayLay were fine, I just feel like eating."
The rest of dinner pretty much went on sort of like business as usual, we didn't talk about what I had said, we just kept everything real general and kept it moving.  I was a little bothered because Max did seem to be zoning, but I let it go.  Finally the meal ended and I tried to pay hoping it would sever the ties but Max wasn't haven't it.
"Really, Lay you know I'm not letting you pay for no meal, don't go acting stupid now"
"Stupid"
"Look lets go to the movies, I know you want to see that new Kevin Hart joint"
I did want to see Kevin Hart but I wasn't really trying to go out, I really needed to get home, Max was being just a bit off. 
"Max I don't think we should go out together for awhile"
"Girl chill, we already out and you already know that tomorrow were going out cause I promised LeLe that we would do Chucky Cheese"
He had me there even though I might dump him from my life, I would dump him from my child's life, but for real I just wasn't getting the idea that he realized that this was over................

Write every day they say it builds your writing muscles.

Okay so my writing muscles are extremely weak these days, I feel as if mind has been sleeping on pillows of kryptonite and its super powers have left me.  But I will not despair getting back into the habit of writing is something that I am willing to work on just like this big ol ass of mine.  Its time to get things in order.  So that being said I don't know if I take this opportunity to tell a little ditty or add some kind of inspirational post to help you all out in the world make it, or if I just type what is on my mind.  Honestly nothing is jumping out at me saying tell my story tell my story.

Oh well here goes, I have this completely fabulous kid, and for anonymity purposes let's just call  him Football King (FK for short).  Well FK wanted to take band at the beginning of the school year.  Mind you we were already in piano lessons, math tutoring, and football.  I mean we had an activity for every night of the week.  Well basically he begging and I let him join band, now in my  heart of hearts I knew this might be a mistake.  I mean the kids had to catch the bus an hour earlier and go to school an hour earlier in order to participate.  But I am not one those parents who will deprive their child of the opportunity to go forth and conquer the world.  So here we are 2 weeks into band and he wants to stop.  Oh shit he wants to stop one day past the cut off day.  I talk to the principal and I'm given they we want the kids to try and stay in all year speech.  Okay I think about and the responsible mom thing to do is to make him stay in right; so I make him stay in it.  Then as time goes on our schedule has more stuff added, he made the spelling bee, he went to football playoffs, there were basket ball try out, then there where holidays.  Finally I got tot he point where something had to go.  I mean my money (heaven help its filthy green soul) was non-existent.  I was at the point of putting my kid and me on that ramen noodle diet you know and this is the same kid who only believes in theory that Christmas is about giving, needless to say he was expecting a Christmas gift or two.  So at this point I go ahead and turn the instrument in and email the principal and let him know that I am financially not going to make this happen.  Now even though this is not a required class and its all doing your free time, they want to give my son a failing grade.  Really, you want to fail my kid at extra-curricular activities when I tried to communicate with you.  Um no I don't think so.  So today I'm at work and I start getting all these personal text.  My son is devastated because he didn't make the honor roll.  He didn't make the honor roll because the school failed him for band.  Of course I comfort my son and tell him to put his phone away, but then me being me I shoot off a message tot he principal and try to place the blame on him.  Because honestly the school has other options and its not like they were paying for the instrument.  Hell my taxes pay their salaries, so really my so is being punished because we had to prioritize.  I don't think I like this, there where other ways this delimma could have been solved and I even gave the principal the viable alternative of letting my son finish out the month playing the piano.  No one every got back with me.  Now I'm stuck because I honestly don't feel that my son deserves the grade he got and that the school can't force this on us.  What would you do? 

Well t hat was my story for the day and my attempt at getting back into the writing game.  I definitely need to work on my content and what I want to write about but for now that is what was on my mind.  Have a good day.

Coochy waxing

        As a treat to myself I decided to get myself a brazillian wax for my bday.  Being the economical diva that I am I opted to go to the beauty school (the high end beauty school I might).  So maybe I'm more shabby chic anywhom I digress.  First I was led down to a little room divided into 4 little semi private sections, think chinese blind.  I undressed from the waste down and crawled uptop a mattress cot thingy.  The student hands me a robe for my bottom that is spotted with old wax spots, right away I'm thinking this looks used let me get my ass up and out of here.  But it is to late I am committed I am naket with my hooohaaa showing.  The teacher comes in and says she needs to assess my cooch.  She lifts up the robe and declares that I am good to go and the student can begin her work.  Okay I was expecting pain an for the most part it was like an eyebrow waxing.  But then came the moment where she had me bend my leg like a chinese pretzel and she started slipping her finger down by my clitoris (bitch hold up this feels a little gay) but then she every so skillfully rips the hair off of my lips and it was an intense make you want to smack your momma pain. And then you realize that she is going to molest you again because you can't have one side waxex and not the other.  Now I know the reason why women keep the landing strip.  So now I'm waxed and smooth like a babies bottom.  I spent the whole day at the salon and now it is time for my first post waxing pee.  Now I am out in public and being that I am over the age of 10 I am very adept at squatting.  I go to the bathroom I squatt and piss starts traveling down my legs onto my pants all over the toliet and the floor, I have even left a puddle at this point.  I'm seriously embarrased at this point and now I realize that vaginal hair does serve a purpose.  the hair sends the pee automatically in a downward motion.  I do not know the phenomonon that causes this but its true.  So now I ask you men do you want me bald and pissy, or a little hairy and fresh.  Honestly neither option sound good as sit her and type.  Oh well maybe I will have play with a combination .  But one thing is for sure is that I don't need know grown woman or young woman or any woman touch my hooo haaaaa.

Wifey is that Me.

        So lets see some things that are on my mind.  How does someone you consider to be a decent friend or at least a good friend not tell you they were getting or got married.  I mean to find out that friend got married on facebook because he made and offhand comment about his wife was completely strange for me.  I mean I think my feelings are a little hurt behind this.  This has led to the further development of what is wifey material.  I tend to think that I am wifey material but since I am 33 and nobody's wife sources seem to disagree. :(

I pretty much know that no one reads my blogs so I'm going to write in any manner I see fit,  but back to topic what is wifey material or what is not.

1. Do looks have anything to do with wife material?  Obviously not I am freaking gorgeous and this is not just a personal biased thing, people stop me and tell me I am beautiful all the time.  Also I can list millions of beautiful women who are single. Further evidence is that ugly and unattractive people have husbands i.e. Honey Boo Boo's mom.  Yeah thats a little depressing that the chunky, trailer park trash, baby momma who can't pronounce a decent grammetically correct sentence has a man and I don't.  So conclusion looks have nothing to do with wifey material.
2. Does Weight have anything to do with being chosen to be somebodys's wife.  I'm gonna say yes because I pretty much feel that this is my one major flaw.  I got a cute face but I'm beyond thick in the waist.  And bump what you heard I'm not attracted to chunky and unattractive and since I've gained weight (ugly mofos) think they have a chance.  Where did the ugly guy get all his self esteem from.  Yeah it must have been Lil Wayne, Puffy, Rick Ross, 2 Chainz........ to many to name.  The difference being though is that those dudes have lots of money and with money comes a certain amount of swag.   Also there is unprecedented divorces where people claim that the other person is not who they married or wives who are not feeling as attractive after having babies.  So yes weight matters depending on the kind of spouse you want to attract.  I don't like mud puppies so I best be losing some of these tons of fun.
3. I have no reasoning for this only to say is attitude does matter.  My attitude is very straight forward, blunt and in your face.  I put on a tough girl facade and just wait for someone to break it down.  I will stick you before you can focus on all the cracks in my shell.  This clearly puts up a barrier.  And this definitely is contributing factor in wifey material, but to change doesn't seem like me, so hmmmmmmnmm i would have to give up these points and hope that I can earn more points in another catagory.
4. Loyalty, not sure if this appropriate or not.  Of course you want your spouse to be loyal but will you really know until you date her.  No no, I disagree with myself already loyalty is a big factor.  Married men are always coming at me because I am a single attractive female. Sassy freaky and pretty.  In my conversation I am very unimhibited.  So men want to fuck me but they don't want to wife.  Clearly they don't want a woman who will do to them what they will do to their wives.  The want to believe that their misses will be faithful (real or not its the perception.)  So that being said I am loyal to the bone, but that is not the perception that I give off.  So must be more aware of the ish that comes out of my mouth.

Well I am sure there are many more criteria that can be looked at but at the end of the day, I'm going to keep being me and hope that some guy will recognize me for the truly awesome person that I am.

Oral Pleasure

I have gotten 3 offers for oral sex.  Men try to act like there not thirsty but why offer to stick your face into womans sugar that you really don't know.  I mean what if I had a disease and there just willing to assume that I don't.  Makes me think I don't ever want to kiss them, if they go around offer to eat the coochy of every pretty girl they know.  I'm super lonely but I am thirsty enough to let anybody play with my kitty.  One gentlemen even said I could get a gift card, what the what do I have hoe written on my forehead.  I want to know how come I'm never offered the wifey position.  I don't hoe even though sometimes I act like I do.  I'm just a firm believer that a woman has a right to do all the same things as a man.  I'm bruttaly honest to the point of scary.  Okay thats enough of my rant.

Goals

There are many things on my mind this morning, the unfinished book, the  career I don't have, the mistakes that I make.  Do they matter yes, are they everything "no."  So after running around the office and making all me stops for my morning inspiration, I found it pinned to the back of a co-workers wall.

My co-worker/friend had created a vision board and a goal list and after some discussion and thought I realized I needed these things to.  Amazingly enough once I started each one of these projects the things that I wanted to accomplish and that I envision came quite easily.

First my Goal list goes like this
1. Learn to twerk (yes I want to shake my ass in a round and round circle)  I'm actually most excited about this goal.
2. Career Change (boring and self explanatory)
3. Lose Weight (broken record)
4. Better School for my Son (will accomplish)
5. Figure out what I like (mind-blowing)
okay there are the goals I want to accomplish right nothing to big nothing to serious but the items on this list look like incoquerable mountains, when I no that they are mole hills.  So what is the obstacle basically stopping me. ........  Motivation/Focus.  How do I get motivation or focus of course I want the results but they have always been a fantasy not a reality.  Moving into reality and being happy will come with the completion of goals.

Well that is my list now motivation is my delimma.  Lets see how this journey will go.