Circle of Boyfriends

Its funny but seems it has come full circle. Everybody who was once in my past as an ex has seemed to become an ex again and it seems for mostly the same reasons. So does that make me the what if chic. Like what if we had gotten married, what if we had made it work, what if the world were perfect. In many ways I'm still the same girl that they knew when we dated and many ways I'm not. Like I still love all your attention, but unlike before I'm grown as hell and I don't need to talk to your butt on the phone for hours at a time. There is something supremely wrong with a man who wants to spend hours on the phone once your in a relationship. If he got time to be on the phone all day he is not on his grind like he should be and a man should always be on his grind. Furthermore, I have a kid and job, and responsibilities, I don't have time to be on the phone all night getting tired. Come to my house and help me with some things and will talk over dinner. I want to see you I don't want no 4 hour convo. (Speak sister) Okay I shall continue in true Magical fashion, I use to love a good lookin cut up light skin brother. I even dated shall we say the non-ethnics (to keep me offensiveness down), in my world it was all good. Well now I'm a big girl and like my men to still be fine but I high a 99% perference for black men. I love all ranges of the choclate rainbow. I love my blue black brother and my light brights and my yellow, browns, and reds. I love me some brothers, now if only I could get them to love me back. So basically as you can tell I am a more evolved diva with a definite agenda. I don't love to just love anymore, its got to be worth the love. Really if your bringing nothing to the table stay at home and jack off don't come over here getting my happy hopes up. No good stick if you don't have a good j-o-b and some credit to match. I can deal with no credit cause we can build that, but no creditp; can we say mister please! So needless to say all you ex's who keep feeling the need to see if I was the one, don't come to me cause you heard of my lastest credentials now you want to juice me. Walk on by say hi but stay in my background cause you messing up my picture.

You ever been the person you didn’t want to be. I am the person I said I was going to be, I just forgot that I needed to ask for more when I became this person. I always liked my smart ass way, my smart mind, my smart mouth, the way I dressed, the way people reacted to me, for real I was always pretty okay with me. For years though I would go through horrible depressions that people never took seriously at least not the people close to me, but that was okay to, because somewhere in the mix I made sure not to many got close to me. Honestly, I can say that you can see someone everday and even live with them and not be close to them. That is the way it is with my family, I have the feeling that we want to be close and we love each other with a fierceness, but being close and real emotional is not are way. Having real conversations is not our way. We will surface talk but nobody wants to dig deeper because we love each other and when you love each other it seems that you don’t want to hurt the other persons feelings. It seems to me that me, my mom, and my brother have commitment issues. Not sure if its that we can’t commit or aren’t given the opportunity to commit. At this point I will only address my issues. I have not had a serious relationship in at least 7 years. Not since I left Kentucky. I think the main reason is because I moved to a state that has no appreciation for the brown beauty of my skin. Believe when I tell you this is a situation that makes me want to cry. It was a major motivating force in moving my son away from that place, because even though he may not marry a black woman (which would be a sad thing if he didn’t) he will at least not disreguard them as an obvious choice as most youngsters in West Virginia do. Back to me though, I’m now here but what I’ve found out is that I can’t go out , I can’t afford sitters, I don’t like going out alone, the men aren’t really out there anyway. And who decided that when you hit 30 wine and drinking with your girls is the activity of choice. Can we just say hell naw, that mess is fat and depressing and it is not an activity I want to continue. I do not want to drink every Saturday talking about what I should be doing, why am I not out doing it. Hum I will just have to find a way because I do have a will. I guess my question at this point is how do I meet available, good looking, goal oriented men. I am so not the networker I should be. Oh well happy days random thoughts is what I guess I’m having today. Smooches

Today feels like a good day so that probably makes it a good day. I’m guessing the goodness in today is really going to be about the perspective I attach to the situation. Let me give you a quick rundown of today as it stands so far. Woke up headed in the wrong direction to go get Starbucks (1) then retraced my steps and passed home and was headed to son’s school when son realized that he had forgotten his much needed book-bag which required going back to the house (2) got to work and walked a chilly block and half to get into the building and realized I forgot my lunch and was not going to brave the cold to go back and get it (3) read my emails and realized that my travel re-imbursement was kicked out and sent back to me (4). Now it is only 1:30 and there is still allot left to the day so to see the manner in which my day is going could be alarming and less I forget to mention I went to start my car last night at 7:00pm to make a trip to the store and my batter was dead (0). Now let me let you know how each of these moments was an opportunity to say today is going to be a bad day but truly its not. I chose to go to Starbucks and it made me happy(1) this morning and even though I looked up the calories and found out that the drink I drink has 500 calories, I choose this morning to get my but up and work-out so the calorie intake was nominal. (2) I turned around and got my son’s book bag before we had gotten to far past the house so I tried to use it as teaching moment for him in that he needed to do a better job of looking for his things. (3) Because everything is computerized it took only a few seconds to correct my travel re-imbursement. (0) I had AAA so I was able to get my battery recharged and a new one put in so that I wouldn’t have any problems this morning. Needless to say even when my day appears to be suspect God is at work making everything all right, maybe not in the manner that I expected but alright nonetheless. Everybody has problems and I am no exception but I’m trying to have a different perspective on the things coming my way

2010

2009 was an amazing year for me I got everything I ever wanted. I didn't get everything I ever wanted in 2009 but I got it all by 2009 which is pretty awesome. But with having everything completed that ever thought I wanted more doors were opened for things that I now need to do or want to do. So I think the best way to start of my blog is by saying "Thank you God and please continue to be with me as I journey through life." I have decided to make a list of things to do in order to keep me focused on my goals. So please feel free to add comments or add to my list as I am always in need of suggestions and love to do new things.

1. Lose weight: This is heavy, this may actually be the one thing that I didn't get accomplished by 2009. Which means I have the majority of my time to focus on getting a grip on these hips. I plan to buy a treadmill and some hand weights today in an effort to make this happen. Also I want to cut off bread, rice, and noodles. These are my first courses of action. If I don't see drastic changes by May, liposuction will be on its way.
2. Get married. I claim that I will fall deeply in love (very hard for me to do) and that I will commit one hundred percent to my relationship by focusing our relationship on God and not on the trivial aspects that make relationships run amuck.
3. I will be my sons parent, friend, playmate, educator, inspiration, role model, and all that these jobs entail in a positive awe inspiring way. I will be more patient and I will stop cussing around him and others. Cussing is okay in moderation but I don't want to set that example for him, I want to teach him to stretch his mind in a new and phenomenal way. I want to show him healthy habits for living, thinking, and being.
4. I will be nicer on the outside; I am plenty nice on the inside, I will move mountains for people but I tend to do it with a chip on my shoulder and a complaint in my mouth. If I really have issues with offering help I will pray and make the decision that is best, but if I decide to help I will do it with a willing heart.
5. I will be a better friend. I will stay in contact with people more. Having kids and being a single parent is no reason to not keep in touch. With the computer, phone, and the ability to write letters. So I'm just gonna stop being lazy.
6. I'm gonna commit to finishing my book this year. It may not be the book of my dreams but it is a goal and with one comes many more, but it will completing that first foundational step that will be so inspirational.
7. I will order my mind and my thoughts and commit to decisions. Indecisiveness has gotten me nothing but more indecisiveness. If I have to make a decision I will make and live with it. If a decision is not necessary then I will let it go and let God.
8. Last thing I'm going to do is P.U.S.H. I'm gonna continuously pray until something happens.

So that is a pretty developed list, and I am ready to get started on it.

Love ya later Magic