2 Weeks Before Christmas

I woke up this morning in a shitty mood. I often wake up in a shitty mood and I wonder why. I have know reason to complain but it seems that complaining is all that I want do. I wonder if I am severely depressed and if I am I wonder if I have the time or the inclination to solve this problem. I know for the most part that it is my son who keeps me going. His father isn't shit so I am all that he has and he deserves much better than I know how to be. (That makes me want to cry) I am sad because I am not living up to my potential and I have settled for a mediocre existence because I am scared to work for anything relevant in my life. I'm scared to live without the safety and security that this hum drum (job) existence seems to provide. I have a law degree but I hate the arguing and attitudes that come from the profession so I do not practice, not that anyone seems to want me to anyways.

Also I'm fat. I get fatter by the day because it seems the only joy that I find is in satisfying every food craving that I have. I mean ever since I've had a kid I've yet to have a boyfriend (serious) and that's been 6 years. I lost all of the baby weight at one point and men found me attractive, but none of them offered anything. Now its 6 years later and they still offer nothing and I've gotten bigger. My weight is my down fall and if I could stop eating I would, but it never seems to work out. Nor does dieting or anything else that requires me exercising and restricting my caloric intake. Last time I lost weight it required at least 2 hours in the gym a day, and I don't have that time or that kind of commitment. I hate to look at my body and I can't find a doctor to approve surgery (not that I've looked that hard). Yes I guess its easy to see the answer now, I want to be forced and not oh I'm gonna have some future heartache or diabetes issue, I want someone as an army Sergent to tell me to get up off my fat ass and move. But alas I would have to lose weight even to do the army and I couldn't bear to leave my kid.

Well this is as depressing as I can afford to be on the clock so I will stop now. I hope that putting all this down helps my sanity. I'm not crazy but buddy it sure does feel like it sometimes. And since no one is reading my blogs can I just go ahead and say I want my Mack back.